More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
