YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
