Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Randomize
