Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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