Just cropdusted the office
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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