My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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