and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
