just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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