I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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