So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Houston, we have a blender
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
