i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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