You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
