You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
