just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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