I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
