Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
