i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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