mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
