There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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