i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
