i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Me. At least after what I've been through.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You are the jesus of drinking
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
