The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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