Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
