so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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