This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
When are your genitals available?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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