Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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