Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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