Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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