its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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