There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
