I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
