so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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