Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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