can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
