i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
tell me about the eggs
I woke up under a house in Key West
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
