Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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