cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
