my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
