my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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