she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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