I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
