I puked a lego.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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