I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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