I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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