Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
