His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize