Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
