Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
