people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
