Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
