we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
