I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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