I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
