Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
