I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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