New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize