is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
