oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
