My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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