When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
