No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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