i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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