Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
